Expectations

What a difficult word to describe. "Expectations". Is it good to have them or not? You will always find people who will tell you that the easiest will be to simply have none and that way you will never get disappointed. But not having expectations? About anything? Is that even possible?

The whole idea of coming to Africa started when I was 16 years old visiting my sister in Argentina. I met some british people that were coming from Nigeria and ever since, it had been ranking top 1 on my bucket list. I had the opportunity through an unbelievable person called Antonieta to meet the girl who would give me the opportunity to come here, Valentina Baez M.D from the Razetti school UCV, through the largest student organisation in the world AIESEC. She came to Kenya to teach, but after several days realising that she could do more, she did. She created from scratch a new project called Healthy Kids where she gave basic examination to kids in the schools, got treatment when it was necessary and gave it to them. This project is her baby and she handed it over to me. Some big shoes to fill huh?

When I met her, and saw where I was getting myself into, I acted like a normal person in front of her, and cried all my way back home in the car... Was I ready to do this? Do I have the capacity of diagnosing children? What if they are too sick and nothing to do for them? Or if they are healthy and I think they are not?. I was feeling far from prepared. Prepared. Ha, nothing in the world could have prepared me for this.

After acknowledging what I was going to do, getting a lot of advice, and being repeated by many people that I could do the "medical" part, I built my own expectations: You are going to teach, you are going to conduct health weeks in the school, you are going to Kenya, you are going to live, and specially you are going to help. For some reason, every time I panicked that was the thought that came to my mind: "you are going to help", whether it is by sweeping the floor or kissing someones cheek to make them feel better, you are going to help. Nothing more. Help. Help.

By the time I got here on the 25th of July, the logistic people failed to tell me, tell us people in the education project that classes stop for holidays in the end of July, so my first week in GUUM School in Kibera was dedicated to exams to determine if they could pass grade or not. Ok, so no teaching this week. I'll do Health Week this same week and not waste anytime. Great. one week gone. Now what?

BAM! First expectation smashed. No teaching. I got the opportunity to transfer to different schools and taught a little in all of them while examining the kids and treating the ones who need it and deworming plus giving multivitamines to all of them. I must admit it wasn't easy, and it was a lot of work, but  doing this didn't seem enough. My body felt like I was doing a lot, because of how tired I got home late in the night, but just because I had created the perfect plan in my head "you will teach and do healthy weeks in the schools" it simply wasn't enough.

I met the Liter of Light project and fell immediately in love, and for one simple reason: you carry one million boxes, you climb the roof, you work morning and afternoon in the roof, you step down, go
inside the classroons and can't believe your eyes. Its there. Light. Where there wasn't. Light. You brought light to them, -and because we all get very philosophical here- you actually feel like you have brought a little bit of light to their hearts, and you will go back home with half an inch more in your hearts size.

Im recapitulating all of the story because on monday was my first official teaching day in the school where i was supposed to teach, with the children i was supposed to teach, in the slum i was supposed to be. And while standing in the classroom with two grades, dividing the blackboard into two because you have to teach the two of them simultaneously due to lack of teachers, I felt exhausted. I had no idea how to make them sit down and pay attention, or how to write down the exercise for grade 1 without neglecting grade 2. In that precise moment where I was completely lost, the sky got cleared, sun came out, and sunrays came speeding strongly through the bottle I put in that exact roof on top of me. Light entered to the roof and again, my heart got warm.

How funny the concept of expectations, I've been thinking for two months what more could I do because "my expectations are not getting fulfilled", when today, looking back I feel happy. I feel whole. I feel complete. I know for a fact I gave myself in body and soul and got back much more than I could expect. If my expectations would have been fulfilled, that would have been all I would do and I would have never got to know the entire different, beautiful world God gave me the chance of meeting, for that all I can say is I'm glad I felt "disappointed" due to that funny little word in my head: expectations.

My trip is coming to an end, and right now Im just trying to be a big sponge to absorb every single moment I have in this unbelievable rich country and make fun of my "crushed dreams" because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to.
In those planets in my mind where I pictured my life in Africa, I wouldn't even have dreamed to do the things I did, to learn what I did while looking through an entire city for the best wholesale pharmacy, meeting parents, teachers, bus drivers, salesmen, young muslims, people from all over the world, going to Uganda and having my world shaken from head to toes, finding myself. In the end, I can say I am in touch with myself and before coming, I was a thousand miles away.

Someone once told me that our life can be like a domino table, where you have your pieces dealt, you put them in perfect order and wait for your turn to make your move, but sometimes, sometimes we meet people, places, moments that represent that person who while walking trips on a corner of the table and  makes all of your "game" go down and messy and just different from how you had organised it. My domino board didn't get shake, it got smashed. I hope one day for all of you, your pieces will fall, and your game changes without realising it. That surprise is the best feeling in the world.

Now if you allow me, I'll tell you, have expectations, but when they get fulfilled or they don't, close your eyes and feel everything else that is going on around you, because every second you live, you are being blessed by the beauty of life. Don't waste it.

Phrase in a wall of the hostel where I spent two days in Lamu. What more could I say?

EmbraceSong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13uK6uRrhPk